Niko, our first, was 2 years and 8 months old when Kyle, our second son, was born. For months we had been preparing him for the arrival of his little brother. Niko was almost as excited as we were about this new addition to the family.

After Kyle’s birth it didn’t take more than a few days for Niko to decide that this whole “big brother thing” had been just a bunch of hype. And so it was with a bit of disappointment that he asked, “Well, when will he be big enough for me to play with?”

A few years later this same child had changed his tune and was now asking, “Why does he have to go everywhere I go?”

Much to the dismay of many of my friends and even extended family members, we have always insisted that our boys play together. We did not encourage them to go out and find friends of their own. We didn’t give them bedrooms of their own for most of their childhood. It has always been our desire that our children spend as much time as possible together. So when they played with friends or cousins, no one was left out simply because of age.

My reason for this was two-fold. First of all they have very different personalities; Niko is a thinker, a constant and easy learner, always aware of others’ feelings and the king of procrastinators. Kyle on the other hand gets things done, he is determined, can teach himself anything he wants to learn and can be a bit self-centered.

Early on it became obvious that these two very different people would not naturally be drawn to each other as friends in life if their relationship was not shaped, nurtured and encouraged to grow while they were young. When they are adults, I want them to have formed so close a bound that they love each other unconditionally and willingly bear each other’s burdens.

Secondly, I had this type of close relationship with my two sisters, one younger and one older, while growing up. I realized that this closeness helped hold me accountable and keep me in line with the rules my parents had set for us. It wasn’t until I was outside of either of my sisters’ scrutiny that I made my bad decisions.

I have not always been positive that we were following the right course of action in order to achieve our goals, but I was more convinced than not that if we made it known to them how important being brothers was they would one day understand and truly value that relationship.

Lately though, as they’ve gotten older, they have been fighting quite often and saying really mean things to each other. Their very different personalities put a strain on their relationship. I have spoken on many recent occasions to each of the boys concerning various complaints about each other. It hurts terribly to hear either of them say, “But I just hate him.” I have to admit that I began to wonder if we had gone about things all wrong.

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Then one night something happened. My daughter was sitting next to me on the couch, I asked her where the boys were.

“In Kyle’s room,” she said very nonchalantly.

“Kyle’s room, why are they in Kyle’s room? Why aren’t they playing X-Box? (which is currently in Niko’s room)

“I don’t know but they are in Kyle’s room with the door shut and they’re talking about something.”

Being a naturally curious person, it was difficult for me to not run up the stairs to find out what was being discussed. It was two hours later when I headed up to bed to find Kyle’s bedroom door still shut. I knocked, opened the door and asked if everything was OK. When they both said yes, I walked in gave them each a kiss, said goodnight and left the room shutting the door behind me. That was one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do as a mother. Butting out is not my forte’.

The next morning I found that not bringing their conversation up was equally as hard. They seemed to have worked out their problems; they both seemed to be in good moods. I waited for them to bring up the subject. They are guys, they didn’t.

Until finally, while Niko was at school, Kyle took me aside and said, “I want to tell you something.”

I looked at him as casually as possible, “And what would that be?”

“Last night, Niko and I were really fighting bad, I went to my room and a while later he came up. We talked about all the things that were bugging us. I told him I didn’t think he loved me. He didn’t say anything. We kept talking about stuff and I think everything is okay now. It was really late and I wanted him to get some sleep because I knew he had exams in the morning. I told him everything was okay and he should go to bed. He said good night and told me he loved me.”

When he was done, and even now again as I type this, tears filled my eyes. This was huge. They were growing up and I was so proud. It’s been a while since that night and honestly our house has been much more peaceful. They really did work their differences out, they’ve finally figured out how to accept each other even though they see things so differently.

So often when I have problems relating to someone, I take the easy road and avoid the person altogether. It seems that they have learned a life-long lesson on relationships and in turn taught me something I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

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Categories: Family-Favorites
Tags: brothers, relationships