Marriage and relationships of all kinds require a multiplicity of skills to be successful. Considering the elements that most relationship experts would identify like love, honor and respect there is one missing ingredient that surfaces with almost every couple I counsel – spending time together! Notice I didn’t even say spending quality time together. Although quality time is important for every relationship – especially if your spouse has Quality Time as their love language (see Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”) – I am a firm believer that you will never have quality time without the presence of quantity time. Many couples do not even have 15 minutes a day alone together to talk or touch. Lives that are this busy and disjointed are going to turn their stress into distress!

A survey of about 2,000 people was done in which they were asked this question: “As a couple, if you were to give engaged couples one piece of advice in order to have a great marriage, what would it be?” The number one answer they gave was time! Another recent survey indicated that most people measure success by the quality of their marriage and family life. Why is it that in spite of these expressed values, people’s working hours continue to rise, while time together at home falls. Did you know that Americans take fewer of their vacation days than those of any other developed nation? In light of these facts it seems appropriate that the inaugural article would attempt to inspire us to see if our actions are lining up with our expressed values about marriage and family.

Most of us can’t relate to the way it was for our parents. My dad worked 40 hours a week in a General Motors factory. He never brought work home. My mom never worked outside of the home. Every night was family night. Every weekend was spent together with Sunday as the focal point of the entire week. America now has nearly 40 million two-income couples. The statistics are that some 30% take work home at least once each week, and more than 70 percent do work-related tasks during the weekend.

Has busyness crept into your marriage? Are you feeling like your schedules have collided with romance and other things you enjoy about being a couple or family? What is something you can do this week to keep busyness from interfering with your love life? Of all the problems that quietly sneak up on good marriages, busyness is one that can be changed most easily. The secret is not just removing activities from your life, but deciding to spend that time purposefully and creatively.

Over the years Linda and I have discovered some important keys for making time to connect with each other. I really hope that you’ll take these to heart and experiment with making them part of your relationship routine.

1. Have a Family Meeting. Ask each person in the family what activity or involvement would make them feel loved, valued or appreciated. Perhaps your son might say, “I’d like it if you and dad both were at more of my soccer games and then we could go out for ice cream afterwards.” Listen closely to your spouse so that “time together” is productive because you are doing what matters.
2. If you have young children, teach them to respect your personal conversations with your spouse. Guilty feelings produced by work, ministry, divorce and a myriad of other demands often cause parents to cater to their children even when they are being demanding, disobedient, and disrespectful. Set boundaries for your children that teach them honor and respect for marriage and parents. A common complaint by fathers is that mothers dishonor the husband by allowing the children to invade conversations and private moments.
3. Commit to having at least one meal together per day. Linda and I committed to this priority and we are convinced our children are healthier because of it. Although it was easier for our parents than it was for us, it was still important and do-able! A meal together brings order to chaos even if it is only for 30 minutes. It takes a lot of work to prepare for that time together but it is worth the management of your time to make it happen. There were two times when we connected more with our kids than any other time – at dinner and at bedtime. Interestingly enough, those are some of the best times for husband and wife to connect as well.
4. Spend 30 minutes per day in “touch time.” If touching has gotten pushed out of the relationship quotient, it has to be “forced” back in. For some, touch has become only a preliminary to physical intimacy causing the partner to resent your touches. In those cases, touching needs to be relearned and introduced back in with new meaning. I often give this homework to couples in counseling – 30 minutes of non-sexual touching every day for two straight weeks. Touch time does NOT HAVE to include talking. It can be holding hands on a walk or touching legs while sitting on the couch together. All that matters is that it is non-sexual, at least 30 minutes and that it happens every day.
5. Designate 3 hours per week in your calendar as a Date Night. Plan your calendar together several weeks in advance so that you are coordinated and informed. While you are planning, place your date nights on the calendar and decide who will be responsible for planning each date. Linda and I like to share that responsibility so we can both enjoy being surprised or relieved of planning. An added bonus is that it instills more creativity and personal involvement in each occasion. Warning – don’t let money or babysitting dictate success with date nights. If money is an issue, go to Barnes and Nobles and sit together reading a book or magazine, take a walk around a local park or lake, or go walk around the mall and talk about all the different kinds of people there are. If you don’t have built-in babysitters (like grandparents) then strike a deal with another set of parents – you’ll watch their kids one night and they can watch yours another.
6. Train yourself to listen when your spouse talks. Listening is one of the first things that goes when you don’t have time. If your spouse has a tendency to “interrupt” you or your train of thought, closing them out is not an option. Find loving ways to honestly inform them that you are engaged in thought, listening to something else or distracted so they can give you time before you have to actively listen.
7. Do “normal” things together. Polly Franks, a child advocate in Richmond, VA, faced a moment of truth when her husband saw her making out her daily list of things to do. “He asked me to put him on the list,” she says. Find ways to be inclusive instead of exclusive. Get in the habit of saying “Yes” when your spouse asks if you want to go to Target with her or when he asks if you’d like to help him wash the car. Ask your spouse this question sometime today – “What everyday chores or activities would you like more if I did them with you sometimes?”

Categories: Real Treasure
Tags: family, marriage, relationships